“I’m Not Bossy, I’m The Boss.” – Beyoncé. Queen of All Things.
I am the boss of my house. I believe everyone that lives here will agree to that. I am the Alpha Mom. I am not bossy, but I do tend to steamroll decisions for most things, making them go my way.
It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.
Well, yesterday I was called out by a family friend for “emasculating” my husband. Now, before you go getting your hate on for me, let me explain…
First of all, we are urban city folk, through and through. My son thinks camping is sleeping in his Spiderman tent in the living room. Our hiking is through High Park, ending off at a wine bar to celebrate us getting out there and enjoying nature! Our “backyard” is a 200 square foot area that we fondly refer to as “The Dirt Pit” and right in the middle of this is a cluster of old, rotten tree stumps.
My Husband wandered in from the back, in his “gardening clothes” which consisted of expensive gym shoes and his leather gloves he wears to work, and announced he was going to buy a chainsaw. He said he can’t dig the stumps out, that the roots run too deep, he needs to cut them.
I laughed and said “OH NO YOU’RE NOT.” He then said he could rent one.
“DOUBLE NO.” I laughed even harder.
“NOT EVEN AN AXE!” I yelled as he headed back outside.
So, I ask you, was that emasculating? Maybe.
Want to know what else is? CHOPPING YOUR LEG OFF IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD.
My husband is great at many things. He can hold his own tasting first growth Bordeaux with a Baron in France, and can sing Karaoke backed by a live band. He’s funny and charming, but he has never really used any sort of equipment like this.
So I am straight up saying he’s not allowed to have a chainsaw. Or really any other power tools. My mocking tone was very similar to Ralphie’s mom in a Christmas Story. I won’t let my husband “shoot his eye out.” Moms are right, everyone else is wrong!
I wouldn’t necessarily say I am a Helicopter Parent, but I have been known to make my son get out of the tree, because I’m quite sure he’s going to fall and impale himself on the spiked fence below. I also yell “HOLD THE RAILING” every single time he comes down the stairs, because I am certain one of these times he’s going to fall, knocking out his front teeth. So, maybe I tend to over worry…
You’ve heard of Helicopter Parenting? How these parents won’t let the kids have any fun on their own? How they hover around making sure they don’t fall in the playground, making them wear safety gear to ride their bikes? Never letting them out of their sight, and making sure every activity they do is safe and structured?
Well, I am Helicopter Wife-ing.
If my husband really wants to use a chainsaw, he will have to take a class. If he wants to throw an axe, he can join the Axe Throwing League. I will only let him do these activities in a safe, controlled environment. I will pick him up after his class, take him out for a drink, and ask all about how it went, just like I do with my kids. Fun right? Problem solved, no more worrying about backyard dismemberment!
Maybe he will be really great at using these types of equipment, take a real shine to it, and will end up being quite the Handyman. But, until then. NO CHAINSAWS!
So maybe this is emasculating. Maybe I tend to hover. Maybe I worry too much, but I just want my family to be safe, including my Husband.
I love him to pieces.
But I do not want him in pieces.