Archive of ‘Parenting’ category

Lost Sock Memorial Day

At the foot of my bed sits a laundry basket. Not a clean basket for folding, not a dirty basket getting ready to be washed. No, this basket is a special kind of basket that bugs me EVERY SINGLE TIME I LOOK AT IT.

This basket is filled with the bane of my laundry existence, UNMATCHED SOCKS.

Socks of every size, texture, shape and colour. Sweat socks, toe socks, dress socks, ankle, knee. Even old baby socks are in there, and my youngest is 10!

WHY does this happen? They go in to the wash in pairs, but somehow come out solo. I throw them in the basket, thinking eventually the second one will turn up, BUT IT NEVER DOES!!!

In the past, I have done creative things with the lone ones. I’ve used buttons and yarn to make sock puppets. I have tried using them as dusters, to clean the house. Problem is I am a lousy housekeeper, so I’d only use one a month. I’d never get rid of them at that rate!

I am going to be stuck with a basket of mismatched socks FOREVER. I can’t bring myself to throwing them out. I can’t increase my carbon footprint with something that makes a footprint! I am trapped.

Or, at least I thought I would be, until I learned that May 9th is unofficially “Lost Sock Memorial Day.”

Yes. That’s right, a made-up day that is giving me permission to THROW OUT THE OLD SOCKS. I will have one last look, try to match up a few, and then take a moment and thank all those socks for keeping my family’s toes warm throughout the winter, and then PITCH THEM IN THE GARBAGE, GUILT FREE!

PLUS. Sandal season is almost here! You know what that means??!!?? NO SOCKS FOR 4 MONTHS!

Imagine the space I will have now at the end of my bed, instead of a laundry basket mocking me! I will put that basket in the basement and be free of mismatched socks!

For now.

Eventually they will pile up again; I am sad to say I know this. But hey, at least I have until September.

So, go ahead. On May 9th, you have official permission to throw out those lone socks.

And, if you can’t bring yourself to do it, may I suggest a sock themed craft for Mother’s Day? The pass off is maybe your only chance!!!

 

 

Back To School Posts? NO THANK-YOU!

For the past few weeks I’ve seen a tonne of back to school posts, ranging in everything from lunch container ideas for kids to ones giving up alcohol and chips for adults. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I don’t read any of them, and I’ll tell you why!

I’m lucky enough this year to be able to take August off and spend it at the beach with my children. My guys are still young enough to have some carefree summers, but I know that won’t last forever. So for now, and hopefully always, I want to make this weekend last as long as possible.

So instead of back to school shopping, we are going to swim in the lake. Instead of me cutting up sandwiches with cookie cutters and writing love notes, we are going to dig in the sand and make sandcastles, instead of me feeling guilty about having a beer, I’m going to have two. We are going to drag this out until the bittersweet end.

We will head home tomorrow and go back to reality. We will be sun kissed, our bellies full of food and our hearts filled with love. We will crank our “Beach Mix 2016” playlist and sing, windows down and wind in our faces, and crawl into our beds sandy and sleepy.

Tuesday morning we will head off to school, a bit sleepy, but luckily my guys get back into the swing of things without much adjustment time. I won’t pack up a fancy container for lunch in a brand new lunch bag, I’ll send them off with last year’s bag with more of a June lunch than a September one.

Wednesday we will be back to “normal” and in full fall mode, but I will already be plotting how to be off again next summer. At the end of it all, I’m pretty sure my guys are going to remember that night we swam until dark over that time I spent a mortgage payment on Sistema lunch containers.

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That Time We Nailed School Photo Day

I have never been a fan of school photos. As a child of the 70’s, in the days before digital (Yes, I’m THAT old!) we had ONE chance to get that photo right but I NEVER did. I would worry I’d blink, so I would try to keep my eyes wide open, making my photo look crazy. I also tend to have a lopsided smile.

“Don’t side smile. DON’T SIDE SMILE!” CLICK. DANG IT!!!!

See? Side smile. Can you say Retake?

See? Side smile. Can you say Retake?

 

Flash forward to now and I STILL HATE SCHOOL PHOTOS. First of all, it costs a fortune for some garbage phoney pictures of my kids. Second, this is the digital age, take 40 photos, and let us pick a good one. Not just two where my kid’s forced smile looks like he stepped in dog poop. (You know, the cringe-face smile!)

Well, last year picture day rolled around, as it always does. My younger son announced he was going to wear his suit and a tie. He also announced that no matter what the photographer tried, he would not smile or laugh, because they always make him feel uncomfortable. I told him I was fine with whatever he wanted to do. He seemed pretty pleased with the challenge he had put out there for himself, and headed off to school.

A few weeks later the proofs arrived. At pick up time, most kids were running out to show their parents their photos. My son emerged, looking down at his proofs, and slowly walked over to me, with a very serious look on his face. One of the school moms nudged me and said “Uh oh, what’s going on there?” As he got closer, he looked up, and his face turned into a bright smile.

“THESE ARE GREATEST SCHOOL PHOTOS, EVER!”

I took the proofs and checked them out. They were FANTASTIC. The first pose, my son is staring straight ahead, with a gaze that can only be called “Blue Steel.” The second, a maniacal grin that he felt made him look like an “Evil Genius.” I proudly showed all the parents the proofs, because, clearly, I had the world’s greatest son, and he had taken the world’s greatest photos. After much laughing, I promised that yes, this time we would order the deluxe package and share this magic with everyone.

Another few weeks pass and I realize the due date for ordering the photos had come and gone. RATS. Now I was going to have to pay a penalty on top of the already overpriced packages, but a promise is a promise. The two of us sat down at the computer, and headed to the photo company’s website. I had never done online ordering before for school photos, but when I did I was BEYOND delighted to find they didn’t have the standard five backgrounds to choose from, but over one hundred! I couldn’t believe my eyes!! We could take my son’s photo, and add whatever we wanted. We tried 90’s era prisms, seasonal backgrounds, flowers, dots, EVERYTHING. Suddenly my son grabbed my hand on the mouse, and yelled “STOP!!!” He’d found the background he wanted. The greatest finisher to the greatest school photo.

Let me proudly present: Fletcher. All Year Long.

Look into my eyes. Not around my eyes, right into my eyes. Mesmerizing.

Look into my eyes. Not around my eyes, right into my eyes. Mesmerizing.

 

That’s right. He’s bursting out of flames. Why is this even an option? Who knows. Who CARES. I do know that an 8 X 10 hangs in my dining room, for us to enjoy every day. We ordered everything. Fridge magnets, calendars, placemats, mugs! The company even threw in this bonus collage:

All Awesome. All. The. Time.

All Awesome. All. The. Time.

So thanks to my laziness as a parent, we discovered that school photos can in fact be fantastic. I used to roll my eyes when I’d bump into parents and they whip out their wallets to show off their kids, but now I am one of them!

“Oh, yes, you’re right. Little Suzy does look adorable in her school uniform! President of the Chess Club you say? Amazing. Well, let me show you Fletcher. HE CONTOLS THE WEATHER.” (mic drop and walk away)

A fantastic storm is brewing.

A fantastic storm is brewing.

 

 

One Man’s Trash…

 

Early on a weekend morning you find yourself carting boxes full of old books and toys out on to your front lawn. Clothes you no longer wear, furniture that’s chipped, VHS tapes you’ve found in the basement; you put all those out too. You felt like you were up early enough yet there are already people there, ready to rummage through your stuff.

You my friend are having a garage sale.

I have VERY mixed feelings on garage sales. They really are a weird event. A plan to get rid of all your old things that never really works out for me. First of all, if I bring a box up from the basement full of toys my kids haven’t played with in years, they suddenly have interest in them again and simply CANNOT part with them. Now dusty old baby toys are scattered around my living room floor. I also don’t like people trying to barter with me over things I’ve owned and loved, trying to talk me down from the Toonie I am charging.

“No, I won’t take a quarter for it. It’s an end table!!”

I stand there, on my lawn, with a good portion of our lives out for display knowing that if it doesn’t sell I will have to load all of it up in our car and take it to a donation centre. I look at the handful of change I’ve earned so far, which is barely enough to buy a coffee, and start wondering if I just should have not bothered with the sale, but just headed right for the dump.

My kids, who were the ones who talked me in to having a sale in the first place, have long lost interest and have gone to the park to play. I can’t stop thinking of the guy that bought all our DVD’s for $5. He was so excited and kept saying “I can’t believe you don’t want these!!” I am starting to regret selling them. DO I want these? Now it’s too late. Would we ever watch Cannonball Run 3 again? I highly doubt it, but I am still feeling regretful.

The only thing worse for me than having a garage sale is the slightly embarrassing fact that I LOVE going to them. I can’t help myself. I pull over all the time and shop on people’s lawns. Over the years I have picked up so many things that will be great “DIY fixer upper projects.” I buy all kinds of furniture that I could easily refinish and that would be AMAZING when I’m done. Problem is, I don’t ever do it. NOT EVER. I don’t even know how! I usually keep all this junk in my basement for two years and then resell it to some other poor sucker off my lawn.

Despite all of this, I know that I will continue to stop at garage and yard sales. I just can’t help it. Once again my kids will leave with old DVD’s and giant sized toys and I will leave with a broken chair and some useless knickknacks.

Oh well, at least we will have some new things to sell off next year!

My latest purchase. It's salt and pepper shakers that are also a bottle opener AND a corkscrew! How could I resist?!?

 

Is THIS My Midlife Crisis??!!?? (Warning. A lot of swearing.)

So, something happened last night. I had an “Aha! Moment.” I know this is an Oprah thing, but since I’ve never watched Oprah, I am just going to go ahead and assume she means that moment when you realize you’ve TURNED INTO A GIANT FUCKING LOSER.

I was just plating our dinner (How’s that for an obnoxious term?) when I took a bite of the salad I’d made (I make salad every night, EVERY NIGHT, so I am not sure why this is a big deal.) and called out to my husband “WOW, I really knocked dinner out of the ballpark tonight!”

He didn’t really hear me, because he was busy talking over me, telling me who he would pick as his dream cast for the “Ultimate Ghostbusters Reboot.”

I stood in the doorway, holding our plates with my award winning, grand slamming dinner on it, staring at him as he then went on to say “For the record, they DON’T NEED to do a reboot. BUT since they are I love that it’s women and love the women they’ve cast, but I’ve heard they are also doing a men’s one, which is SO STUPID and thank god they didn’t do the one they had talked about years ago with Chris Farley and Adam Sandler BUT IF they do end up doing another one, and I could cast it, it would be Will Farrell, that funny Asian guy who’s in EVERYTHING right now (Randall Park), Chris Pratt and Kevin Hart.” “Oooh. Great cast!” I say. “I’d hit all of that.” I also say, because I always like to keep it classy.

We sit down, I hand him 40 napkins and say “Okay. We can eat on the new couch but PLEASE be careful.” Then we watch Netflix. We don’t actually watch a full show or movie, we scroll for a half hour pointing out all the things we could watch, and WANT to watch, but not tonight, because I have super anxiety and can only handle comedies.

A bottle of wine and some chips follow, and then I force him to rub my bunion. Welcome to my Saturday night.

Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK.

How did this happen??!!?? I used to be super fun and funny. I used to go out, and work nights and have crazy adventures and still manage to get up early and function. Now I can’t even handle staying up late. I complain about never getting invited to parties, but when I do, and the start time is after 9pm, I say “WHAAAAAAAAATTTT, WHO leaves the house after 8??” in a super high pitched voice, and usually don’t go. I went to my friend Laura’s house, and stayed until 2:30 am, and am still trying to recover three weeks later. I have actually been bragging about walking home at that time, as all the bars poured out onto the streets, and that the Domino’s Pizza was still open. STILL OPEN! Who even knew that? People under 40, that’s who. People way cooler than me, that’s who. Everyone else. That’s who.

I talked to my girlfriend about this, and said MAYBE just maybe I am having a midlife crisis. “But I am TOO YOUNG!” I said. She said “No. I think that’s about right. If anything, you should have had it about 5 years ago. Let’s face it, with your health and bad luck do you REALLY think you are going to make it to 80?”

Rude, yes. But not wrong. I don’t want to come right out and say I think I have a shorter life expectancy rate than others, but hey, some days MY ENTIRE LEFT SIDE DOESN’T WORK.

So, is this the midlife crisis? Am I two weeks away from getting a mom haircut? Is this the moment when my brain shifts to a new, comfortable spot where it stops keeping track of any new technology or cool music? Will I start wearing boxy shorts, fanny packs and cross trainers when I travel? Will all my tee shirts be from Northern Reflections? Will I start wearing bedazzled clothing??

SO MANY WORRIESOME QUESTIONS.

My biggest worry is that I have been this boring and middle aged my entire life, but that I am only realizing it now, as age brings some sort of wisdom. (It must, right?)

This was totally not what I pictured doing with my life. Do you know how I spend my days? Writing up “Fun Family Recipes” for Mom blogs that I never actually make, and get paid in gift cards. (Right eye twitches as I die a little inside.)

I can tell you this. Starting NOW I am going to make some changes. (Totally a thing someone says who’s having a midlife crisis.)

I won’t be buying a sports car or going on a fancy trip. Did I mention so far I also sort of suck at being an adult? I think I must HATE money. I have to get rid of it the second I get any, so these two items are definitely off the table.

I won’t train and run in a marathon either. I may be having a midlife crisis, but I am still super lazy. I probably won’t lose the baby weight I’ve been carrying. I won’t sky dive, change careers, or get plastic surgery.

I’m not sure what I’ll do, but it will be something. Or worse, my biggest fear, I’ll do NOTHING. Just get older and MORE BORING. I am frowning as I say this. Which I shouldn’t do, because now I have lines on my mouth that resemble a ventriloquist dummy.

40 is NOT the new 30. Only old people say that. Old people with Howdy Doody mouths and accordion foreheads.

Something’s gotta give, and it can’t be my hip.

Stay Tuned.

30. Oh 30, how I miss you.

30. Oh 30, how I miss you.

Grade 8. SO MUCH STYLE

Grade 8. SO MUCH STYLE

Early 90's. That's a lot of hair.

Early 90’s. That’s a lot of hair.

 

Sometimes, Toddlers are THE PITS!

My oldest son turned sixteen this month. I decided to make him a birthday collage of old photos. I was quite certain this is the thing teenaged boys really want. As I was digging through the memories, I couldn’t help but pause at pictures of the toddler years. Those soft little arms, that angelic face, that child that could do no wrong. Perfect right?

I then started really thinking back to those years, and maybe, just maybe the Golden Child wasn’t so perfect after all. He was a toddler, and I am here to say sometimes TODDLERS ARE THE PITS.

I love when people refer to the tough stage as “Terrible Twos.” That’s because they’ve never spent time with a three year old. Three year olds are straight up a**holes sometimes. Buckle up parents of two year olds, you haven’t seen anything yet.

Toddlers are adorable you say? Are they? How about their shoes? Yes. I hate their little shoes more than anything. First of all, why does a shoe smaller than the palm of my hand cost so much money? To help their foot development. I do get that, but since my son wouldn’t keep a shoe on his foot to save his stinking life, I may as well have just wrapped them in newspapers.

It is hard trying to get out of the house in the mornings with a toddler. First you sit them on your lap, facing outward, and then struggle to put the damn little shoes on their feet. “Please hold still,” I’d beg, but he didn’t care, he just had to wiggle off my lap to grab a toy. I’d get one shoe on, and he’d kick it off.

“Please Buddy, leave the shoes on. Mommy HAS to get you to daycare, and I HAVE to get to my work. I can’t be late again. PLEASE BUDDY PLEASE. DO NOT KICK THAT SHOE OFF.” He’d look me right in the face, and then KICK. IT. OFF. In the house, in his stroller, on public transit, or the worst, in his car seat, where he could somehow magically kick it to go all the way under the front seat. I would then get to our destination and have to crawl on the floor of the car, through the spilled milk and Goldfish Cracker crumbs, to retrieve his million dollar sandal. He would also try and kick me, or pull my hair with his toes while I was doing this. I don’t think there was a single day that I got to work on time, let alone clean. I was always sweaty and frazzled after our morning routine of Mother And Son Shoe Smackdown.

Sickness. OH MAN. Why do toddlers get sick all the time?? I worked part time, but my son would wake up with a fever ONLY on my work day. I missed so many days of work because of him! Sick toddlers can’t go to daycare, and no one wants to be a backup plan for your feverish, snotty kid. I do not miss those anxious times, worrying that if I called in, or worse, get the call at work that once again my child has a fever and has to be picked up, I’d get fired. Some days, by the time parents get to work, they’ve already been through a whole day, and usually a change of outfits. My second go round I decided to not go back to my job, but instead did home childcare, so I could take other toddlers off their parent’s hands and say “Enjoy your day of work with poop on your shirt!”

And, last but certainly not least, Pooping. Last minute pooping. Inconvenient pooping. HOW did you not know four minutes ago that you needed to poop? WHY do you need to the second we step into the discount grocery store so that we have to go into their disgusting bathrooms? WHY? Also, why do you need to wait until the food comes to the table at a restaurant, before saying you need to go? I had every dining out meal ruined for a two year span.

It’s hard to believe the little stinker that caused so much trouble is such a nice teenager. Sure, he STILL kicks his shoes off in the car, but at least now he puts them back on himself.

So buh bye to the toddler years, and hello to the teen years.  So far, so good!

If you have any stories or things that your toddler does/did that drive you a bit nuts, I’d love to hear it. Maybe you have a frequent clothes changer, or one who loves to sleep in your bed, with their feet or bums in your face. Just know that it won’t last forever, and one day you may actually miss it!

So Happy Birthday to my Big Boy. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Except maybe the shoes. I’m still pretty pissed off about that.

 

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Letting Kids Dress For Success

Hot pink slip on shoes. Black capri leggings with small white stars on them. A denim tunic with a turquoise t-shirt underneath. Messy curls scooped up into a ponytail on the top of the head. A flower patterned purse and oversized sunglasses. Wow. That outfit makes a statement!

The age old debate of letting small children dress themselves. Some parents cringe at what their children put on, some make them change, and some pick out their outfits for them.

I have always been a fan of letting kids wear what they want. Turtleneck and bow tie? Go for it. Seven different patterns, none matching? Perfect. Mismatched socks. Sure. Goggles all day long? Whatever makes them happy! As long as it is functional and seasonally appropriate, I don’t really see why it matters what they wear.

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I think it’s important for children to dress themselves. It’s a skill that promotes independence, and it makes them feel proud. It also saves a busy parent time in the mornings, so win-win!

Adults have so many rules. We have to conform, dress appropriately and behave in a certain way. Children will eventually have to do this too, so why can’t we just let them enjoy their wardrobe choices now? More than anything, I think a colour explosion of a fashion choice really let’s a child express their personality. This is so important. I want my children to think and feel for themselves. Telling them something they’ve picked out for themselves is not okay, is telling them they are wrong for liking it. I want my kids to know who they are, so if later in life they are wearing a uniform on the outside, they are still rainbow sparkles and stripes on the inside. Why should we stop that because we think it looks goofy? No one sees a flashy five-year-old’s kooky outfit and thinks “What kind of parent would let their child wear that?” They think “Oh yeah, that kid dressed himself!”

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Life is short. Let people, including children, enjoy themselves. Even if it means cringe worthy outfits. It’s a way for them to express their wonderful personalities. Boring choices are, well, BORING. We could all learn to live a little. I am firm believer that clothes represent the person. If you feel bright and colourful, show it!

Now go back and reread the outfit described in the first paragraph. Who do you think is wearing that? Hint. Not one of my children. 😉

thumbs up

Hey, You Look Like A Lady Who Could Use A Hot Dog!

I just had my coffee and read thirty five some internet articles. One was about a woman who sabotaged herself and ruined every trip she’s ever gone on, by not being organized. Wow. She’s got the problems! I can’t imagine living your life like that! Speaking of trips…

I am leaving tomorrow for a much needed one. You know, to give me a break from my job of doing nothing all day long. I fly out at 8 am, so I need to pack today.

I also need to clean my house. My sister is moving in for the week, to help out my children. Knowing that I was flying out on June 6th, I decided from May 6th on not to clean or put anything away. WHY BOTHER. I will just have to do it the day before she comes anyway, because I live with three boys and a giant dog. (Hoarders were like “Naw, this is too much, even for us.”) So the cleaning and packing should commence, NOW. Oh. I also have to wash what I want to pack, since I only own three outfits. None of which are really even appropriate for the trip. What should I wear to tour Alcatraz, PJs or a formal gown? You decide.

This should all be easy enough right? Right. BUT I do need to clean the backyard first. Why you ask? Because today is the day! We have old propane tanks scattered around, broken equipment, toboggans and recycling. SO. MANY. WINE. BOTTLES. Will my sister be in the back yard? NO. But this should only take a few minutes. Let me just load up the car for a quick run to Big Box Land to return all this junk. Easy Peasy. THEN I will clean and pack. Here we go.

GARDEN CENTRE? Ohhhhh. A place for people who care about their yards. (I wish I was one of those people.) Annuals on for .99 cents? Hmmmm. Well, the front of the house does look bare. I can’t imagine weeding a garden and planting a few dozen flowers can take that long, right? I know I need to clean but I still have a few hours before the dog groomer shows up. Yes. I decided my dog needs a haircut before I leave. It only makes sense to spend as much money as possible before a trip. I love to feel anxious about cash flow while on a vacation. I want to make good and sure to keep this whirlwind of chaos going until I board that plane.

At the hardware store, I unload all the propane tanks. Did I mention they aren’t even mine? They were in the yard 6 years ago when we bought our house. So you can totally see the need to return them TODAY. Had to be done. They were crazy heavy, and I struggled all across the parking lot with NO ONE offering to help me. Whatever.

On my way back out, the hot dog cart man called out to me.

“HEY! You look like a lady who could use a hot dog.”

Dude’s not wrong. 99% of the time I pretty much look like a lady who could use a hot dog. I’ll take this as some serious high praise, considering the source!

I wander over.

“If I was allowed to leave my cart, I would have totally helped you carry those tanks!”

See. Chivalry is not dead.

“That’s disgusting the way NO ONE helped you, struggling like that. In YOUR condition. Let me treat you to a hot dog.”

There it is. My condition. Hot dog man thinks I’m pregnant.

I am not.

I am, however, interested in that free hot dog.

“What’ll it be?” he asks.

“Something’s telling me…chicken wiener.” (  I say this in a side talking, high pitched voice. Chiiiken WEEN AHHH)

Let me just say this. At NO point in anyone’s life, should something in their brain or body tell them chicken wiener.

“Coming right up!”

YESSSS. I am totally owning today. I take my free chicken dog and LOAD IT UP with all my favourite unrefrigerated toppings, which are just warming up nicely in the sun. Sauerkraut, corn relish, hot sauce, ketchup. Mmmmm. I thank my Knight in Shining Tin Foil, head to the car, and scarf down my snack.

As I wiped my face up with a bit of leftover bun, I glanced down to see it’s only 10:30am. Hmm. Maybe that was a food mistake before noon. Hmm. Maybe it was a food mistake before a 5 hour flight. But hey! I still have plenty of time to get at that gardening. I crank some Dexy’s Midnight Runners on the radio and I cruise on home.

It’s late afternoon now and NOTHING in the house is done, but I am still super excited for my trip. I am meeting my hubby for a sweet big city rendezvous. He’s been away for a week now, and I miss him. I sent him some sexy boudoir photos to remind him what’s coming his way in two days. I’ll share one with you now, if you promise not to show anyone. I don’t want them leaked like Jennifer Lawrence’s!

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Okay. That’s it. I need to stop wasting time and GET READY.

Just as soon as I finish off that project piece chair I garbage picked two years ago. I really feel like it needs to get done today. Now where’s that sander?

P.S. If you read this, and thought, hey, pregnant ladies shouldn’t eat hot dogs! You are right!! Pat yourself on the back for nailing this parenting thing! We are all doing alright.

Alpha Mom, Emasculation and Helicopter Wife-ing

“I’m Not Bossy, I’m The Boss.” – Beyoncé. Queen of All Things.

I am the boss of my house. I believe everyone that lives here will agree to that. I am the Alpha Mom.  I am not bossy, but I do tend to steamroll decisions for most things, making them go my way.

It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

Well, yesterday I was called out by a family friend for “emasculating” my husband. Now, before you go getting your hate on for me, let me explain…

First of all, we are urban city folk, through and through. My son thinks camping is sleeping in his Spiderman tent in the living room. Our hiking is through High Park, ending off at a wine bar to celebrate us getting out there and enjoying nature! Our “backyard” is a 200 square foot area that we fondly refer to as “The Dirt Pit” and right in the middle of this is a cluster of old, rotten tree stumps.

My Husband wandered in from the back, in his “gardening clothes” which consisted of expensive gym shoes and his leather gloves he wears to work, and announced he was going to buy a chainsaw. He said he can’t dig the stumps out, that the roots run too deep, he needs to cut them.

I laughed and said “OH NO YOU’RE NOT.” He then said he could rent one.

“DOUBLE NO.” I laughed even harder.

“NOT EVEN AN AXE!” I yelled as he headed back outside.

So, I ask you, was that emasculating? Maybe.

Want to know what else is? CHOPPING YOUR LEG OFF IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD.

My husband is great at many things. He can hold his own tasting first growth Bordeaux with a Baron in France, and can sing Karaoke backed by a live band. He’s funny and charming, but he has never really used any sort of equipment like this.

So I am straight up saying he’s not allowed to have a chainsaw. Or really any other power tools. My mocking tone was very similar to Ralphie’s mom in a Christmas Story. I won’t let my husband “shoot his eye out.” Moms are right, everyone else is wrong!

I wouldn’t necessarily say I am a Helicopter Parent, but I have been known to make my son get out of the tree, because I’m quite sure he’s going to fall and impale himself on the spiked fence below. I also yell “HOLD THE RAILING” every single time he comes down the stairs, because I am certain one of these times he’s going to fall, knocking out his front teeth. So, maybe I tend to over worry…

You’ve heard of Helicopter Parenting? How these parents won’t let the kids have any fun on their own? How they hover around making sure they don’t fall in the playground, making them wear safety gear to ride their bikes? Never letting them out of their sight, and making sure every activity they do is safe and structured?

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Well, I am Helicopter Wife-ing.

If my husband really wants to use a chainsaw, he will have to take a class. If he wants to throw an axe, he can join the Axe Throwing League. I will only let him do these activities in a safe, controlled environment. I will pick him up after his class, take him out for a drink, and ask all about how it went, just like I do with my kids. Fun right? Problem solved, no more worrying about backyard dismemberment!

Maybe he will be really great at using these types of equipment, take a real shine to it, and will end up being quite the Handyman. But, until then. NO CHAINSAWS!

So maybe this is emasculating. Maybe I tend to hover. Maybe I worry too much, but I just want my family to be safe, including my Husband.

I love him to pieces.

But I do not want him in pieces.

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Dressing Right For Your Body Type AKA Kiss My Sweet A**

Spring is almost here. Beautiful, airy fashions are flooding into stores, and online for shopping. Heavy boots are being tucked away for more fashion friendly footwear. It’s a great time for updating wardrobes!

Around this time of year, I see lots of articles pop up on how to know what sort of clothes suit you, especially if you have a less than perfect body shape. Some even have handy charts, showing whether you are an apple, pear, rectangle, hourglass, or wedge. Tall and skinny, or short and fat? Big boobs, small boobs, no boobs? Someone can fix that! There are all kinds of tips for you, especially for every woman’s favourite thing, bathing suit shopping!

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Well, I thought I’d make up a list, to help get you through the spring and summer wardrobe season. I’ve narrowed it down to three simple rules, hopefully you will find these helpful!

  1. Wear whatever the F*** you like. Do you like something? Then buy it. If it’s tight, loose, short, long, striped, checked, coloured, covers up, let’s it all hang out, in fashion, out of style, boring, outrageous, or anything else you can think of, if you like it, YOU WEAR IT.
  2. Stop buying magazines and reading articles and listening to anyone or anything that makes you feel bad about yourself and your choices. If you feel good in something, then you look good in it too! Don’t spend another summer hating yourself and covering up because you feel less than perfect. It’s too hot for that bulls***!
  3. Be kind to yourself. We are our own worst enemies. Be healthy, take care of your body, but take care of your heart and soul too. Enjoy your life. You will waste so many years putting things off if you wait “until you lose that twenty pounds.” Swim with your children, be in family photos, take a dance class. Your children don’t care how you look, they love you as you are. By accepting and caring for yourself, and trying to be healthy mentally and physically, you are setting such a great example for your family!

Well, there you have it. My shopping tips. Now go buy yourself something you absolutely love and feel great in! My current fav? A cherry print bathing suit. A little spill going on over the top, a little jiggle going on at the bottom, and a whole lotta sexy going on right in the middle!

http://www.blackdaffodil.ca/collections/swimsuits

http://www.yourbigsisterscloset.com/

These are two stores I love, that carry local human sized clothing. Something for everyone!

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